Pre-IVF jitters, or is it?

Is there such a thing as pre-IVF depression?  I have had depression before, but it was situational and it has been nearly 10 years but I don't know what else to think about this freak-out I'm having.  Is it just jitters, am I grieving for the finality and loss of being able to conceive naturally?  I thought I'd dealt with all that crap, we've been TTC for 4 years now. 

Sometime last year I decided I was okay and could go to baby showers and kids birthday parties again.  I used to really struggle with baby showers because even though I was really happy to celebrate the new addition, I dreaded going to buy the gift because looking at all the baby gear just reminds me that I am not pregnant.  Again.  And feeling guilty at the pangs of jealousy I felt whenever I saw someone else with a baby bump.  I thought I'd dealt with that, and that I was past all those feelings.  The Hubs has a huge family with tons of cousins (26 or so) in their 20's to 30's, at least five of which have had at least one child since we stared trying to conceive (some of them have had two or three!), so children's birthday parties are full of babies too, plus its awkward to be the single cousin with no child in tow.  Its always fun when people ask me which one is mine at these parties and the reactions I get when I tell them we don't have any children yet.  The incredulous 'then why come to a boring 4 year olds princess party if you don't have kids' is not so bad, when they say things like 'Oh, I'm sorry.  Well, maybe someday.' it sucks, or worse, I hate the 'Why not?  You're old enough.' really blows.  I have been pretty open about our attempts to conceive though, so I don't get those as much any more, plus if my nieces and nephew are there they take up most of my time anyway.

I can't explain why, but I am really stressed out, quick to anger, sensitive and worst of all, weepy.  I hate crying.  I hate that I am so irrational, and it scares the crap out of me that I could/will become worse once the hormone medications start.  I have decided to start by doing what I can to de-stress.  Right now I am usually at the gym or out and about until 9 pm or so, Monday through Saturday.  I am going to try to slow down, do less, be home more, spend more time with the dog, and cool my jets for a bit.  I am hesitant to give up the gym, I don't want to gain back weight I have worked to lose until the pregnancy and also I think the exercise should help with the stress, but the keeping of schedules and the constant running around with my BFF is going to slow down, and I am quitting the morning workouts all together.

I am also going to try acupuncture. 

Anyhow, my sister in law and my nieces and nephew are coming down tomorrow, and I was really looking forward to it because I feel like she will better understand what I am going through and be more supportive than my BFF has been to date, not that she's not supportive, she's just doesn't really understand.  Unfortunately for me, my sister in law has a busy schedule planned for the next week, so maybe I will see her Saturday morning for a short while, before she takes the kids to a kiddie party, which I might attend with them, I haven't been actually invited, but I usually just go with them to that sort of thing while they are down and its fine.  I know some of the cousins will be there with their kids, and I really would like to catch up with one of them who has been through IVF, but again, we will see.  Then she's not free again until the following Friday.  Darn.

omg!

I am so tired of being cranky all the time!!  WTF is my problem??!!??  Sheesh!

Dear God,
Please help me to recognize my irrational behavior and the strength and wisdom to stop driving myself crazy. 

So far so good...Sort of.

Friday's doctors appointment went pretty well.  At least that is what they told me.  I didn't think the uterine eval was so bad, the most painful part was when my knee started hurting from being strapped into the bent ass-in-the-air position for half an hour.  They did find two polyps at the top of my uterus, but Dr. Diaz used his super robot tool to pull it apart and remove it.  It was so interesting because they have a screen up so you are watching the footage as they root around in there. 

The Hubs gave a sample, but I didn't know they would be freezing that sample for later fertilization of eggs, or that he needed to abstain for 3 days prior.  Oops.  I called yesterday afternoon to see if he needed to give another sample but apparently he has super sperm and everything was just fine as it was.

I did get really frustrated with one of the office ladies who was supposed to explain all the procedure details to me and go over everything.  I really felt like I was asking direct questions and she was not giving me straight answers.  She said a whole lot of 'don't worry so much, you're so young,' and 'we will tell you more/give you more directions when we get closer/at your next appointment/later'.  She absolutely drove me bat shit.  I really don't think its too much to ask to get some upfront straight answers.  What does the procedure entail?  What can I expect?  When do I start hormone medications?  After I asked her the same question, just worded slightly differently, for the third time the Hubs told me to let it go, and later said he didn't think she knew the answers to my questions so continuing to ask her was just going to be a waste of time.  *heavy sigh*  If only the 'new patient coordinator' had been as upfront with me and knowledgeable as their accounting guy.  His answers were direct and to the point.  Just how I like it.

You should have seen her face when I told her we wanted to try for twins.  I know the risks.  I think I am young enough and my body can handle it.  I am an effing adult and don't look at me like I am a strangely delusional child. grrrrrr.....

I know I won't be starting any further medications, besides the birth control of course, until after June 30th, since that is when my next appointment is.  When I called yesterday they did tell me I am anemic, so I need to go the the pharmacy and pick up a iron supplement to take twice a day until my levels are up.  They have asked me to start taking 81 mg of aspirin daily too.  I forgot to ask the doctor if it is okay to continue my glucosamine supplement.  I think I may call my OBGYN and ask her instead. 

Yesterday afternoon the pharmacy called with my prescription charges for next month.  HO-LY COW!  It is $1700 so far without insurance, which is admittedly way more than I thought.  I somehow convinced myself since I was doing low-stim IVF that I would have to do less injectables and I wouldn't need very many hormone medications.  Wow was I wrong.  I am scared to think what regular IVF consists of.  Anyhow, I gave her our insurance information and am praying it will cover at least some of the medications on the list.  The Hubs wants to shop other pharmacies to see if he can find better prices but we will have to wait and see. 

In the mean time I am trying not to freak out at the cost of all of this and the fact that with the meds cost being higher than we thought it sort of drains our savings account and leaves nothing left for a possible round two, and holy shit my whole life is going to change is just 60 days!  Deep Breath.  Deep Breath.  It will be fine.  It will work, everything will be wonderful, and I just need to be positive and not stress myself out. 
It is frightening to know I am placing all my eggs in this basket, and I really can't let this freak me out.  I am a planner and a total control freak.  I like to have a plan, I like to be in control, or at least in possession of as much information as possible, and lacking all of that is driving me nuts.

I am going crazy, and I haven't even started the hormone meds yet!

New blog name, and I might be a little crazy.

Good morning, and Happy Friday!

I decided to change the name of the blog this morning because yesterday afternoon I was googling other IVF blogs to try to find women who were in a similar situation, or preferably a bit less clueless than I am. ;)  Any way, I had trouble finding any.  Most of the blogs I found were written by women who were several years post IVF, with lots of pictures of beautiful babies.  It was encouraging to see that these women had wonderful success and although I enjoyed reading up on past blogs, I think I'd prefer to see and interact with women who are in my boat, and in turn thought it would be nice if it were easier for others in this situation to find me.  I hope you like the new name, its not incredibly inventive, but it gets the point across.  I love old cartoons and wanted to call it 'The Trials and Tribulations of Ms. Sandie, or IVF in the OC' but the name was just too long.

Oooh, now for the crazy.

So, have you ever had one of those days when everything is fine and then all of a sudden, BAM!  Your mood shifts and you become this angry, swearing, rampaging nightmare.  Well that was me, yesterday.  And I took my rampage to the gym.  I felt fine the way over there and even during warm up, but once the ass whoopin' started with my trainer and my BFF, it all hit the fan and spiraled downhill from there.  There are some aspects of working out that I enjoy, lots that are tolerable, not bad, but I wouldn't call it fun exactly, and some I absolutely loathe.  I hate up downs.  And I cuss like a sailor when required to do them.  Well honestly, I kinda cuss like a sailor any way.  Its a horrible habit, and I am getting better, but when I am angry the f-bombs go flying.  I also tend to make faces that reflect my emotions.  Needless to say I wore my EFF YOU face most of the evening.  I am very lucky, because my trainer is awesome and realizes that I'm just in a mood and really, I am not mad at him, and he just sort of ignores my complaining, which is really best.  Its strange, because I can tell I'm on a rampage, I know I am being a total bitch, but I just can't seem to help myself, or calm myself down.  Its horrible. 

I drive a Toyota Tundra, and its a large and in charge truck, and so when I park in a parking structure it takes a few minutes to get out of my spot and last night I got so mad because someone wanted to wait for my spot.  Isn't that crazy.  I was livid and ready to throw the truck in park and throw down for absolutely no reason. 

It is official.  I am a part time nut bar. 

I called my husband on my way home from the gym and warned him I was on a rampage, but since it wasn't directed at him, he thought it was funny.  I'm glad my irrational behavior is amusing to someone. ;) 

Any way, I went home, stole half an ambien from my Hubs and went to bed, and strangely enough, I feel great today.  Maybe I just needed a good night's sleep, but Holy Cow, I might be a little crazy!

Sandie

Well hello again!

Wow, where has the time gone? 

Things have been crazy busy, and frankly, I've mostly felt like I haven't had much to say, but I'm back.  :)

So since we chatted last, I've lost roughly 15 pounds, including something like 3" from my stomach area and 2" off my thighs. : D  Its not as much as I'd hoped for, but that's mostly my fault because frankly, I love food, especially food that tastes good.  I can't help it, its a product of having gone to culinary school.  How can I possibly settle for Hamburger Helper when I know perfectly well I can make something so much better?  I have pretty much quit baking though, for now at least. 

Also, The Hubs and I are moving forward with the IVF process.  The Hubs surprised me 2 weeks ago that he went to the bank on his day off and applied for a loan, and that we'd been approved.  I was really surprised.  We weren't sure if we would be able to do IVF in July, as originally planned because we didn't save as per our plan, and I was a little sad about that. 

My BFF on the other hand was actually happy about it.  I am married and ready to have a baby (or two or possibly three) and she's not, and that's okay.  She's thinking about making this new guy she's been seeing more of a boyfriend and less of just a booty call, she's staying out late, hitting up as many summer concerts as she can, and is just really in a different place in her life than I am.  I want to say things won't change, but I know they will, and that's okay too.  We've had so much fun, these last few months especially, and I like to go out and have fun, but honestly, in the end what I want more than anything is to be a mom.  I don't think that we'll stop hanging out, or being friends, but our friendship will change, and I am alright with that.  Who knows, maybe in a year or two she'll be ready to join me...or maybe it's just wishful thinking, but who knows what the future may bring.

So, since we've secured the loan, we are planning to do IVF in July.  I really wish I had more details, but frankly, I really don't know much about what else is coming.  I called the doctors office at the end of May to let them know when I started my period, and they put me on birth control about two weeks ago, and so tomorrow I will go in for a uterine eval and a pre-natal panel, and the Hubs will have some testing done too.  I started back on pre-natal vitamins when I started the birth control, am cutting my caffeine intake down, and preparing myself mentally for the crazy that comes with fertility meds, not to mention hoping I won't need to have injections.  I'll inject myself if I need to, but I am truly hoping it won't be necessary.  Shots in the ass suck.

I am really trying not to be too excited about this, but I am just so relieved to get things started.  I have so many questions on what the procedures are, and what is to come, and also, most importantly, the Hubs and I have decided to try for multiples!  Well twins to be exact.  I honestly don't know if we will ever repeat this process, and I have always wanted more than one child, so it seemed like a logical choice for us.  In a perfect world we'd get pregnant on the first round with two, one boy and one girl, but honestly, the sex of the child is unimportant, and whether I become pregnant with one, two or three I will be over the moon, as long as I am able to have at least one.  It doesn't seem like that's so much to ask, does it?  Just one pregnancy.  Pretty please??

I have to stop dwelling on the whole, what if it doesn't work theory and instead focus on the positive things, like that we've decided it will be fun if we don't tell anyone what the baby's name(s) will be until they are born.  Like the 2 hours of research I did on Tuesday afternoon on the benefits of cloth diapers over disposables, and I even found a reasonably priced service in my area too!  Like how the baby will be about 4 months old, if this first cycle of IVF works, for my sister in law's wedding, and how wonderful a family photo will look since the Hubs and I are both in the wedding and will be all dressed up.

And on that, have a great afternoon!  And think positive!

Down, down, down!

I haven’t been so excited to log my weight into the weight watchers app in a long time, but guess what??!!  I have lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks!  All the sore legs and horrible exercises my trainer makes me do are starting to pay off!  This is great because it pumps up my motivation after a really rough workout last night.  Andrew had me doing lots of exercises that look easy, but are really hard, and my muscles ache, and holy cow am I out of shape!

So, with my newly renewed motivation I have successfully avoided the monster box of doughnuts some mean person brought in this morning and have made 2 resolutions.  One, no more carb based meals after lunch.  No pasta, potatoes or bread products for dinner.  And definitely no more having 6 oreos and a glass of milk for dinner (oops, I did actually do that on Wednesday night : /).  Two, I am going to start doing some of the exercises he has me do at home, specifically the ones I struggle the most with, like push-ups.  An added bonus is hopefully I won’t look like such a complete uncoordinated idiot babbling that ‘I can’t do it’ in future sessions.  (fingers crossed)

Also, I have resolved to read at least one novel a week.  I have an enormous mountain of books I want to read, and seriously, I need to start working through them.  When (and if) I have a baby there will be little time for that so I’d better do as much reading as I can while I can.  By the way, if you love to read I greatly recommend www.paperbackswap.com.  Its sort of like a book sharing web site where you post the books you have and get points for books traded.  All you pay for is the postage to send out your books that others request and in return you get a credit to request a book from another member.  I love that there are no fees to exchange, and there are tons of books available, and if the book I want isn’t there, I can get on a waiting list for when it does become available, which I’ve found is usually pretty quickly!  I love, love, love this website. 

At any rate, have a great weekend and GO PACK GO!

Decisions, Decisions...

First things first.  Cirque Bezerk was awesome!  Its like a sexy circus, very steampunk.  I HIGHLY recommend the show to anyone with an open mind!  The acrobatics were amazing, it’s all live music and when I die, I hope that’s what death is like, although I have no talent, so then I would be enslaved, and then maybe not.  ; )

So after much discussion and deliberation and soul searching The Hubs and I have decided to give IVF a try.  We still need to work out how we’re going to pay for it, and as I said in a previous post, we will wait until the summer to get this process started, but the decision has been made.  Originally I had said that I really didn’t want to do IVF, and that is for several reasons.  One, I sort of feel like we’re playing God, two, I truly didn’t think we’d be able to afford it without mortgaging ourselves to the max, and three, if it doesn’t work, I will be devastated. 

As far as my first reason goes, I initially felt like using IVF to get pregnant when naturally I would not be able to do so was somehow changing God’s plan, and how dare I.  After a lot of discussion with The Hubs and an acknowledgement that in truth I am not terribly religious, I rarely attend church, and besides, didn’t God create the scientists and doctors that created these procedures?  Also, am I just using this as an excuse because the idea of doing IVF scares the crap out of me because again, what if it doesn’t work? 

The second issue is money.  I thought IVF would cost upwards of $20K.  And I know it seems ridiculous, since my car cost more than $20K, and do I value having a car more than having a child?  But in the end, and maybe a total of $8k with everything, it is more affordable than I ever thought it would be.  Maybe its because science has advanced and found ways to do parts of the procedure more inexpensively, I know that my age plays a big part, and the fact that I am naturally producing healthy amounts of eggs is a big plus.  And when the Doc said that in my age group there is a 60% success rate (I originally thought it would be closer to 20%), it was hard not to be hopeful. 

The final, and biggest objection to IVF was (or I guess is) that I am scared to death it won’t work.  The Hubs really wants to have a child of his own, even if we just have one.  He really wants to do this, and in truth, that was my deciding factor.  I am still really scared, and clomid made me crazy so I am curious what insanity the new round of meds will bring when my eggs are harvested, but this is worth risking.  I will be devastated if it doesn’t work, but I cannot imagine the joy and elation that will come if it does, and not just for me, but for my whole family. 

So that’s the plan.

About 3 months ago, I told The Hubs I was done with the fertility treatments, I give up, lets just adopt and if somewhere down the line we end up pregnant then great and if not, whatever.  HE urged me to see a specialist and try just one more time.  HE wasn’t ready to give up.  And now I am thankful for that, because I wouldn’t know the real reason for my infertility without it, and who knows what the future may bring.  I am not sure what to do with all the adoption books I have purchased, I think I’ll just put them away and save them for later.  We may need them in a few years, or even sooner if the IVF doesn’t take.  I also wish I hadn’t gone out and bought the crib bedding two weeks ago.  It was a great deal.  A 9 piece crib bedding with wall art in a really cute jungle theme, at just $95 on ebay.  ( I get bored at work.)  It’s sort of a neutral theme, but truly more geared for a boy then a girl, since The Hubs and I had decided to adopt a boy.  Oh well, maybe I’ll have a boy.  And if not, if I really decide I don’t want to use the bedding, I can just buy new and maybe sell the set to someone else on ebay.  It does sort of put my plans for the nursery on hold.  I had been planning to take the next few months to clean out the house and baby proof and set up our nursery, but maybe I’ll just do the cleaning part for now and leave off the setting up of the nursery until I see how the IVF turns out and whether or not I am able to get pregnant.

(Here's a picture of the bedding set I bought.) 

Enough about that mess.  So the BFF and I went to the trainer last night, and I nearly passed out.  I think my blood sugar was too low, but about half way into our workout I felt really dizzy and had to sit down.  Andrew the trainer gave me a protein bar (that was actually really good for a protein bar, it was sort of like a white chocolate covered payday) and some water, and tried to assure me that its normal when you haven’t worked out in a long while to barf when working out, but it was still a bit embarrassing.   Hopefully I’ll do better when I meet with him on Thursday.  And guess what!?!  I lost 2 pounds last week!  Only 40 more to go, lol!

Cirque Bezerk, etc...

So, my doctors appointment was interesting.  Basically one of my tubes is blocked, which I knew, but I was hoping we could rooter it out or something, but unfortunately that juncture is literally a hair's width so that's out, and the other one is curled up and pointing up, far away from where the egg is released, making my chances of getting pregnant without IVF nearly impossible.  On the bright side, The Hubs is very verile, or so says the Doc who commented having 30% viable swimmers is average and The Hubs is at something like 60%.  It explains why my brother in law just has to look at his wife for her to get pregnant (and yes, that's sarcasm).  Also, I have lots of eggs and am otherwise healthy, and better yet, IVF is actually less than I thought it would be.  The Doc recommended Low-Stim IVF which is just under $6k plus meds and an additional test to make sure there is nothing in my uterus that would inhibit my carrying a child. 

Or there's adoption.  The Hubs and I discussed the appointment and how surprised we were about how (relatively) affordable IVF was for 3 minutes and then I we both went off to work and haven't had a chance to talk about it again since.  Even though I had always said I didn't really want to do IVF, I know he would prefer a child of his own, and, well.  I don't know.  I'm going to think about it.  I kinda wish I hadn't bought the nursery bedding last week, because it's for a boy, and, well, who knows. 

In my last post I labeled us as a 'desperate to adopt' couple, but I use that term loosely.  I read a blog that described the 3 types of couples going into the foster care system, since if we adopt we would do it through concurrent planning through the state.  The catagory we identified with was the 'desperate to adopt' catagory, so I went with it.  Although the Hubs and I do want kids, and 5 minutes ago would be nice, we are trying to make informed decisions and do what seems like the best choice.  Whether we adopt now or later, after all the research I've done in the past 3 months I think I'd like to adopt or at least foster at some point any way, I'm just not sure if that point is now.

I know that I won't be doing IVF for at least 6 months (if at all) since I am going to the trainer now and my BFF and I are going to shed our pastry pounds and have rockin' summer bodies!  So, my first session with Andrew (our trainer) went well, and holy cow was I sore the next day, and today too for that matter.  He had me do this thing where I sit on the edge of a chair and keep my back straight and my core tight and stand, then sit down, then stand, again and again, and it seems simple, but wow!  We are supposed to do 1 hour of cardio every day.  Yesterday I cheated and did an hour of 'Just Dance' on the wii, which is so much funby the way (but the key is to follow all the movements not just the hands), and even though I am exercising somewhat and sweaty afterwards, it's not the same.  Today on my lunch break I went to the gym and did 45 minutes on the eliptical thingy where the incline is adjustable.  It's not quite an hour, but it is my lunch HOUR.  I am very proud of myself today for sticking to my diet and not indulging in one of the bagles with cream cheese or doughnuts our vendors bring by at work, but dinner tonight may be another story.

Which brings me to my title subject!  Tonight my BFF is taking me to see Cirque Bezerk for my birthday (last week)!  It's like the circus meets berlesque, I think!  I can't wait!

Day 1

Good Morning!  Today is going to be a great day.  I have decided.  I absolutely refuse to accept anything less. 

Today The Hubs and I are going to my results consultation with the fertility specialist.  I had done 6 rounds of clomid with my regular obgyn because I had been led to believe I wasn’t producing eggs.  I had that horrible test done a year and a half ago where they insert dye into your uterus so it can flow out your fallopian tubes in order to show whether or not their open.  Initially, my results were negative.  However, when I took my films to the specialist and did a pelvic ultrasound in his office, I learned some new things.  During the consultation, they did the ultrasound and I was able to actually see that not only am I producing eggs, I have lots and am functioning perfectly normally for my age.  I had produced 21 potential eggs and only released one.  It’s sort of amazing to think I dropped 21 potential eggs that month.  We also saw in the ultrasound that I have a large pocket of fluid below my fallopian tubes which is likely endometriosis.  When my films for my fallopian tubes were evaluated by a specialist, it was found that one tube is entirely blocked, they believe at the junction where my uterus and tube meet, and the other tube is ‘curled up and deformed’.  The doctor’s office called me the day before Christmas eve and told me the corrected results and that their recommendation would be IVF. 

The Hubs and I had discussed IVF before, and I felt that instead of spending $9k on fertility treatments that may not work, we should look into adoption.  I got into contact with Kristen who writes the Bettycrockerwannabe blog and she was very encouraging and have read blogs of many others, and I got excited.  This is something we can do, and if go through the state fees are minimal, and we would be able to help a child who needs and deserves a loving family.  So we went to orientation in December, and will start classes in March (due to The Hubs work schedule).  In the mean time I have read a book on Toddler adoption, and am currently reading “The Weaver’s Craft: Toddler Adoption” and so far so good, until I found out about RADs and started reading blogs like:

http://mobettapapa.wordpress.com/

Which scared the shit out of me, followed by:

http://thefinalmaze.blogspot.com/

who suggested we not adopt but look into surrogacy, which actually my sister in law has offered to do, but I’d do IVF before we go there.  (Also, she recommend we get a dog.  Seriously, a dog.  We love our 5 year old Cocker Spaniel, but it’s just not the same.)

There are others too, but I am just conflicted at this point. 

We are desperate to adopt, or have a child some way, but I don’t know if I can handle the ‘f-you mommy!’ or a child who is genuinely indifferent to your love.  I never imagined adoption would have a fairy tale ‘happily ever after’ but I don’t expect hatred either.  I realize these children will need extra care, additional support, and more patience than I think I may possess, but won’t know until I try. 

I am trying to go into this with as much research to back up our decision as possible, and after having the shit scared out of me, I will be interested to see what the fertility specialist has to say about my options.  I know The Hubs would prefer a child of our own, but at what cost?  How much is he willing to pay to get one?  Truly, The Hubs is very supportive, and totally on board with the adoption plan, and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful partner who is willing to make a somewhat unconventional journey with me (even though his parents are less than enthusiastic).

Today is also my first day of personal training.  Between Intro to Pastry (fresh chocolate croissants and fresh danishes are AMAZING, by the way, if you’ve never made them) and the clomid (which made me crazy for a bit) I have gained 20 pounds or so and I can no longer stand myself.  My BFF and I are making a 6 month commitment to “getting into the best shape of our lives’!  Easier for her to say, since she surfs and runs and has always been more active than I am, not to mention when we weighed ourselves at the gym she weighed 178, and I weighed an whopping 192 (omg, I can’t believe I am going to post that!).  So wish me luck, because Andrew is going to kick my butt tonight!  (yikes!)