Decisions, Decisions...

First things first.  Cirque Bezerk was awesome!  Its like a sexy circus, very steampunk.  I HIGHLY recommend the show to anyone with an open mind!  The acrobatics were amazing, it’s all live music and when I die, I hope that’s what death is like, although I have no talent, so then I would be enslaved, and then maybe not.  ; )

So after much discussion and deliberation and soul searching The Hubs and I have decided to give IVF a try.  We still need to work out how we’re going to pay for it, and as I said in a previous post, we will wait until the summer to get this process started, but the decision has been made.  Originally I had said that I really didn’t want to do IVF, and that is for several reasons.  One, I sort of feel like we’re playing God, two, I truly didn’t think we’d be able to afford it without mortgaging ourselves to the max, and three, if it doesn’t work, I will be devastated. 

As far as my first reason goes, I initially felt like using IVF to get pregnant when naturally I would not be able to do so was somehow changing God’s plan, and how dare I.  After a lot of discussion with The Hubs and an acknowledgement that in truth I am not terribly religious, I rarely attend church, and besides, didn’t God create the scientists and doctors that created these procedures?  Also, am I just using this as an excuse because the idea of doing IVF scares the crap out of me because again, what if it doesn’t work? 

The second issue is money.  I thought IVF would cost upwards of $20K.  And I know it seems ridiculous, since my car cost more than $20K, and do I value having a car more than having a child?  But in the end, and maybe a total of $8k with everything, it is more affordable than I ever thought it would be.  Maybe its because science has advanced and found ways to do parts of the procedure more inexpensively, I know that my age plays a big part, and the fact that I am naturally producing healthy amounts of eggs is a big plus.  And when the Doc said that in my age group there is a 60% success rate (I originally thought it would be closer to 20%), it was hard not to be hopeful. 

The final, and biggest objection to IVF was (or I guess is) that I am scared to death it won’t work.  The Hubs really wants to have a child of his own, even if we just have one.  He really wants to do this, and in truth, that was my deciding factor.  I am still really scared, and clomid made me crazy so I am curious what insanity the new round of meds will bring when my eggs are harvested, but this is worth risking.  I will be devastated if it doesn’t work, but I cannot imagine the joy and elation that will come if it does, and not just for me, but for my whole family. 

So that’s the plan.

About 3 months ago, I told The Hubs I was done with the fertility treatments, I give up, lets just adopt and if somewhere down the line we end up pregnant then great and if not, whatever.  HE urged me to see a specialist and try just one more time.  HE wasn’t ready to give up.  And now I am thankful for that, because I wouldn’t know the real reason for my infertility without it, and who knows what the future may bring.  I am not sure what to do with all the adoption books I have purchased, I think I’ll just put them away and save them for later.  We may need them in a few years, or even sooner if the IVF doesn’t take.  I also wish I hadn’t gone out and bought the crib bedding two weeks ago.  It was a great deal.  A 9 piece crib bedding with wall art in a really cute jungle theme, at just $95 on ebay.  ( I get bored at work.)  It’s sort of a neutral theme, but truly more geared for a boy then a girl, since The Hubs and I had decided to adopt a boy.  Oh well, maybe I’ll have a boy.  And if not, if I really decide I don’t want to use the bedding, I can just buy new and maybe sell the set to someone else on ebay.  It does sort of put my plans for the nursery on hold.  I had been planning to take the next few months to clean out the house and baby proof and set up our nursery, but maybe I’ll just do the cleaning part for now and leave off the setting up of the nursery until I see how the IVF turns out and whether or not I am able to get pregnant.

(Here's a picture of the bedding set I bought.) 

Enough about that mess.  So the BFF and I went to the trainer last night, and I nearly passed out.  I think my blood sugar was too low, but about half way into our workout I felt really dizzy and had to sit down.  Andrew the trainer gave me a protein bar (that was actually really good for a protein bar, it was sort of like a white chocolate covered payday) and some water, and tried to assure me that its normal when you haven’t worked out in a long while to barf when working out, but it was still a bit embarrassing.   Hopefully I’ll do better when I meet with him on Thursday.  And guess what!?!  I lost 2 pounds last week!  Only 40 more to go, lol!