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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Pre-IVF jitters, or is it?

Is there such a thing as pre-IVF depression?  I have had depression before, but it was situational and it has been nearly 10 years but I don't know what else to think about this freak-out I'm having.  Is it just jitters, am I grieving for the finality and loss of being able to conceive naturally?  I thought I'd dealt with all that crap, we've been TTC for 4 years now. 

Sometime last year I decided I was okay and could go to baby showers and kids birthday parties again.  I used to really struggle with baby showers because even though I was really happy to celebrate the new addition, I dreaded going to buy the gift because looking at all the baby gear just reminds me that I am not pregnant.  Again.  And feeling guilty at the pangs of jealousy I felt whenever I saw someone else with a baby bump.  I thought I'd dealt with that, and that I was past all those feelings.  The Hubs has a huge family with tons of cousins (26 or so) in their 20's to 30's, at least five of which have had at least one child since we stared trying to conceive (some of them have had two or three!), so children's birthday parties are full of babies too, plus its awkward to be the single cousin with no child in tow.  Its always fun when people ask me which one is mine at these parties and the reactions I get when I tell them we don't have any children yet.  The incredulous 'then why come to a boring 4 year olds princess party if you don't have kids' is not so bad, when they say things like 'Oh, I'm sorry.  Well, maybe someday.' it sucks, or worse, I hate the 'Why not?  You're old enough.' really blows.  I have been pretty open about our attempts to conceive though, so I don't get those as much any more, plus if my nieces and nephew are there they take up most of my time anyway.

I can't explain why, but I am really stressed out, quick to anger, sensitive and worst of all, weepy.  I hate crying.  I hate that I am so irrational, and it scares the crap out of me that I could/will become worse once the hormone medications start.  I have decided to start by doing what I can to de-stress.  Right now I am usually at the gym or out and about until 9 pm or so, Monday through Saturday.  I am going to try to slow down, do less, be home more, spend more time with the dog, and cool my jets for a bit.  I am hesitant to give up the gym, I don't want to gain back weight I have worked to lose until the pregnancy and also I think the exercise should help with the stress, but the keeping of schedules and the constant running around with my BFF is going to slow down, and I am quitting the morning workouts all together.

I am also going to try acupuncture. 

Anyhow, my sister in law and my nieces and nephew are coming down tomorrow, and I was really looking forward to it because I feel like she will better understand what I am going through and be more supportive than my BFF has been to date, not that she's not supportive, she's just doesn't really understand.  Unfortunately for me, my sister in law has a busy schedule planned for the next week, so maybe I will see her Saturday morning for a short while, before she takes the kids to a kiddie party, which I might attend with them, I haven't been actually invited, but I usually just go with them to that sort of thing while they are down and its fine.  I know some of the cousins will be there with their kids, and I really would like to catch up with one of them who has been through IVF, but again, we will see.  Then she's not free again until the following Friday.  Darn.

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