Good Morning! Today is going to be a great day. I have decided. I absolutely refuse to accept anything less.
Today The Hubs and I are going to my results consultation with the fertility specialist. I had done 6 rounds of clomid with my regular obgyn because I had been led to believe I wasn’t producing eggs. I had that horrible test done a year and a half ago where they insert dye into your uterus so it can flow out your fallopian tubes in order to show whether or not their open. Initially, my results were negative. However, when I took my films to the specialist and did a pelvic ultrasound in his office, I learned some new things. During the consultation, they did the ultrasound and I was able to actually see that not only am I producing eggs, I have lots and am functioning perfectly normally for my age. I had produced 21 potential eggs and only released one. It’s sort of amazing to think I dropped 21 potential eggs that month. We also saw in the ultrasound that I have a large pocket of fluid below my fallopian tubes which is likely endometriosis. When my films for my fallopian tubes were evaluated by a specialist, it was found that one tube is entirely blocked, they believe at the junction where my uterus and tube meet, and the other tube is ‘curled up and deformed’. The doctor’s office called me the day before Christmas eve and told me the corrected results and that their recommendation would be IVF.
The Hubs and I had discussed IVF before, and I felt that instead of spending $9k on fertility treatments that may not work, we should look into adoption. I got into contact with Kristen who writes the Bettycrockerwannabe blog and she was very encouraging and have read blogs of many others, and I got excited. This is something we can do, and if go through the state fees are minimal, and we would be able to help a child who needs and deserves a loving family. So we went to orientation in December, and will start classes in March (due to The Hubs work schedule). In the mean time I have read a book on Toddler adoption, and am currently reading “The Weaver’s Craft: Toddler Adoption” and so far so good, until I found out about RADs and started reading blogs like:
Which scared the shit out of me, followed by:
who suggested we not adopt but look into surrogacy, which actually my sister in law has offered to do, but I’d do IVF before we go there. (Also, she recommend we get a dog. Seriously, a dog. We love our 5 year old Cocker Spaniel, but it’s just not the same.)
There are others too, but I am just conflicted at this point.
We are desperate to adopt, or have a child some way, but I don’t know if I can handle the ‘f-you mommy!’ or a child who is genuinely indifferent to your love. I never imagined adoption would have a fairy tale ‘happily ever after’ but I don’t expect hatred either. I realize these children will need extra care, additional support, and more patience than I think I may possess, but won’t know until I try.
I am trying to go into this with as much research to back up our decision as possible, and after having the shit scared out of me, I will be interested to see what the fertility specialist has to say about my options. I know The Hubs would prefer a child of our own, but at what cost? How much is he willing to pay to get one? Truly, The Hubs is very supportive, and totally on board with the adoption plan, and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful partner who is willing to make a somewhat unconventional journey with me (even though his parents are less than enthusiastic).
Today is also my first day of personal training. Between Intro to Pastry (fresh chocolate croissants and fresh danishes are AMAZING, by the way, if you’ve never made them) and the clomid (which made me crazy for a bit) I have gained 20 pounds or so and I can no longer stand myself. My BFF and I are making a 6 month commitment to “getting into the best shape of our lives’! Easier for her to say, since she surfs and runs and has always been more active than I am, not to mention when we weighed ourselves at the gym she weighed 178, and I weighed an whopping 192 (omg, I can’t believe I am going to post that!). So wish me luck, because Andrew is going to kick my butt tonight! (yikes!)
Sandals
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) I am a Foster Care Alumni, and I have also (at least we thought) suffered infertility and underwent IVF treatments. I ended up pregnant with my first child naturally one month after our first failed attempt at 30 years old. After at least 1 miscarriage a year for every year in-between, gave birth to my second child 7 years later and my third (and last) 2 years latter at 40. Life is strange, that is for sure, and you just never know how things are going to work out. http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=378301191979319472&postID=5857583778468450882
That you characterize yourself as “desperate” causes me some concern, in as much as being desperate dose not tend to lend its self to stellar decision making. I suspect you are more hurt and conflicted than actually “desperate”.
Anyone who is considering foster care and adoption should (in my opinion) be aware of the issues they may face with a grieving, possibly detached, overly attached or traumatized child. And those things are possible in ANY kind of adoption. Natural children can also come with their own set of issues; my youngest had a seizure at 9 moths and has some brain damage as a result. There are no guarantees with any child, and I would certainly not trade her for the world.
My opinions about the actual prevalence of RAD and concern about some of the counter productive so called “therapeutic treatments” for it which I believe are abusive and further damaging. I believe that while there are some real issues involved with fostering and adopting from foster care, caring, empathetic and patient adults can make all of the difference in the world to a child who deserves a chance at a normal life.
Amazing! I am in such a similar place. I started reading foster parenting blogs this morning, because I recently have been toying with the idea. We have been dealing with IF for four years, as well, and I have had a lot of time to question my motivation when it comes to parenting. I have found that I just want to feel I am doing good in the world. I realized if that is the reason I want to parent, then maybe I should focus on an area that needs the most do-gooding, and that seemed to be the foster system or adoption. But after a couple of days of looking at blogs, I'm a bit horrified. There is such a mix of opinions and feelings. I went into the idea of possibly fostering, fostering-to-adopt, or adoption with the idea that people generally saw it as a wonderful thing. Now I've read blogs from parents that say don't foster, blogs from parents disappointed in adoption, and (worst of all by far) blogs by bitter, hate-filled adult adoptees (YIKES!). What to do? But, as I said, I've read blogs that convey wonderful adoption and fostering stories.
ReplyDeleteI like what you said about not being able to handle an "f-you mommy!" One thing I've wondered though, is how much of that is normal, and how much in an adopted family's case is it perceived as, "OH MY GOD IT'S BECAUSE S/HE'S ADOPTED!" or "OH MY GOD, THESE PEOPLE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME BECAUSE I'M ADOPTED!" I don't wish to discount the disconnect many adoptees feel, and I can't imagine it myself, but so many bio children/teens/adults feel disconnected from their families and pissed at them as well.
I even read a blog by an adult adoptee that stated that adoption is always human trafficking, and it should never, under any circumstances happen, and that women that have IF should simply pray to god more, and maybe, if god wills it, they will get pregnant. *Groan* What the?!? What if I adopt, go through all the rigamarole, and sacrifice, and love, and then that's how my child feels? Maybe that is far-fetched - maybe it's not. I just don't know.
I just wanted to let you know, that I am going through the same searching as you right now. I enjoyed reading your post because it echoed my concerns. I am also waiting to move onto fertility treatments (if we in fact take that route) in the fall. I am finishing a grad program, and want to be employed full-time before I begin to show!
* Seeing as I haven't gotten preg for four years, and we've done clomid and IUI treatments, I am now cringing at my statement, "begin to show." I should have said, "On the oh-so-slight-chance I possibly get pregnant and begin to show."
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